Baby when you're GONE ,,,

I've been wandering around the house all night
wondering what the hell to do
I'm trying to concentrate but all I can think of is you
well the phone don't ring cuz my friends ain't home
I'm tired of being all alone
got the tv on cuz the radio's playing songs that remind me
of you

baby when you're gone I realize I'm in love
the days go on and on and the nights just seem so long
even food don't taste that good - drink ain't doing what it
should
things just feel so wrong - baby when you're gone

I've been driving up and down these streets
trying to find somewhere to go
ya i'm lookin' for a familiar face but there's no one I know

this is torture - this is pain - it feels like I'm gonna go
insane
I hope you're coming back real soon -cuz I don't know what
to do

Don't know what to do

Sometimes I wake up and I convince myself I’m feeling well much better than before, but once I get into my office I start to feel miserable again and I hate this I really hate it , I’m still working on my stupid feelings and sensitivity to overcome what bothers me. I wish things were different, I wish I didn’t plan that much , I wish I didn’t give myself the chance to dream about many things, but I was stupid and I did all of them, I’m such a fool ! it feels like someone betrayed me , I don’t know what should I do , shall I forget or just forgive? Or just act normal !. my heart is wounded and I don’t feel its easy to forget that day, specially I’ve seen it and I knew it and I left while feeling not ok …
Somehow, I wish it’s only a nightmare and someday I’ll wake up and I know it’s not a dream ,,anyways
Have a good day bloggers

Like a Star

I was listening to this song few minutes ago , as Taio said “ she’s my angel” I wish I was an angel for him ,,,she’s like a star ,,being star or angel that means they will take care of her and make sure she’ll never get hurt ,,but maybe that’s not a rule ! I think or maybe I believe ,,
Believe it or not I can’t think and I feel there’s a real chaos inside me ,,just keep reminding myself ,,J you’ll be fine don’t worry , I have to believe this and NO MORE TEARS TOO,,
I promised myself to get well not the opposite so I have to make an effort to be me again ,,be fine J
Have a nice day bloggers

Losing a Nail

Hahahahah funny isn’t it , I just lost my nail this morning, I’m sure I’ll be having new one soon I just have to wait as I waited before for a lot of things to happen, it’s like planting new nail and we have to wait the seeds until it becomes small plant ,,anyway, to be honest I’m not having good mood today; I couldn’t sleep well last night but that’s ok , soon I’ll be going home, I’m planning to have massage session today 1st to release all tens and pressure 2nd to enhance my mood. I’ve got to go on, I shouldn’t wait for a miracle to happen I just have to be patient and have some hope that never fade
Be careful to not lose a nail like me , Have a nice day bloggers ;)

Lonely

I know I didn't write for so long, I've been busy and lots stuff were happening here and there, any ways here I am .
Recently I’ve been feeling lonely, I just discovered that no one understands me no one ,Even my mum whom I thought up to certain limit will understands me, but I was mistaken.I feel terribly lonely , I can’t discuss my issues with anyone, I’m keeping everything to myself
I feel even when I think that I have to act crazy, no one gets it why ! I don’t know, everyone wants to make sure they are locking me inside this tight small box where there’s no room to move and I don’t want to be there, and someday I’ll go crazy and break all these walls and
Will do whatever comes to my head. If you want to tell me that my family cares about me I stopped believing that since I notice that the discrimination won’t stop and what’s fine for the little sister to do is forbidden for the oldest one that makes huge crack between me and
Them and our relation, I’m fed up sorry to say this but I can’t live with such anymore, either they be fair with everyone , otherwise, I’ll just shoot myself and get rid of this stupidity I’ve been living with!

Nowhere !

Have you ever feel that you’re heart doesn’t beat as usual, and you can do nothing to change this fact !That’s me ,, I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately , I feel I can’t act myself anymore and I can’t give
Myself the chance to look at the other side of the fence ; it’s there when you reach this point where you Feel I can’t progress anymore or I can’t just let go things or just ignore it to live for tomorrow,, I’m there, I can’t ignore anymore, can’t give more excuses, can’t even tolerate the old version of me, I feel I’ve been acting like stupid for the last 10 years, trying hard to correct, overcome, improve everything Around me , so far I don’t feel it worked not even for 20% . things still the same and I’m going nowhere !I wish I find my path again but with different personality which can handle all this ugly issues around with more
Realistic spirit

Don't be the CLIFF

I’m not feeling good lately, I’m having family issues which distract me and disturb me a lot. These issues affecting my sleep my daily activities and even my skin. I’ve been having very stupid derma allergies , they are popping up out of nowhere, I thought in the beginning it’s a matter of the summer heat and I’m having a very sensitive skin, then I discovered it’s not the heat only!. I’m passing through a frustration period not forgetting other family issues which make me feel I’m overwhelmed and can’t bare it anymore; I’ve been noticing slight blue clots in my body. I want to concentrate on my health and nothing else but I can’t,,,My dad is pushing me to the cliff and I’m really afraid of reaching that point, because once I do , I might do anything stupid just to stop the pain I’m having and to relief my Mum.

1- I need to see a psychiatrist
2- I need to change my life style
3- I should keep my eye on my mum

Wish me luck!

Incomplete

Lately I’ve been feeling that I’ll spend my life alone with no one, no one will be by my side, why I don’t know!, and to be honest, this really makes me feel sad and depressed. Unintentionally, I feel I miss being a Mum and to have kids, I think I’m passing through very stupid stage because of my age which scares me and this loneliness which keeps following me everywhere I go. I wish I know what’s wrong with me!
I just feel incomplete !

Nightmare !

Since I woke up this morning and I’m not feeling good at all, moreover, I had a scary nightmare which made me wake up several times at night
It was really scary, though that shouldn’t affect my mood; but somehow it does. I was wearing red dress and wanted to show it to my mother
And I was going to her and she was surrounded by my aunties and somehow my red dress turned into pink color, and I was thinking I wasn’t wearing
This one!..and a workmate was there sitting on a chair in the corridor and I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was wearing ugly make up and my
Right eye looked sick, I was trying to fix my make up .

So I left the ladies room and I got back to my mum , something made me go back to the ladies room and there I was shocked, I looked at myself in the mirror
And my right eye disappeared I was shouting “Oh my God where is my eye? What happened to my eye” and while I was walking away from the mirror I notice my
Eye in the floor there I couldn’t pick it up and I was crying, I ran to my mum and I was telling her that my eye fill down and I want to return it back, then I saw my sister picking it
Up from the floor and put it in a piece of newspaper and it color turned into gray.

All that time my workmate was sitting in the corridor and watching me and did nothing !..this nightmare bothered me, I felt I was suffocating when I opened my eyes
I wanted to take a breath in ,,, I don’t know what was that, is it a reflection of my thoughts or is it because I had Vernal conjunctivitis or what..
That really scares uff..

Have a nice day bloggers!

Weathering heights

I'm living my life through Cathrena Eranshow of "weathering heights" novel; when she and Hethicliff "her lover" were suffering. He tortured her unintentionally and she did the same to him ...
I'm in love with my way hethicliff but from different age, with his strong personality,and love of isolation; actually there's a quite similarities between my Dad and Hethicliff. These similarities are between their characters exactly " before Hethicliff feels he lost Cathrena".

He was very loving and devoted to Cathrena but all his love turned in to anger when she got married to Ad and left him; though he knew she wasn't in love with Ad and she was suffering because she loves Hethicliff. I adore the way they loved each other, especially when Hethicliff sneaked to the Thrushcrose grange to see her before she dies and how he hugged her tight regardless that he was pretending he doesn't care about her and he hates her.

Very beautiful and that shows how they were in love with each other. Hethicliff and Daddy's similarities are in the lovely loving side which I adore most, but in the same time reflected on me and Cathrena when they hurt us unintentionally,, by their ignorance, carelessness sometimes, distance, these hurt a lot :( .. I don't want to be Cathrena because I'm not her and he's not Hethicliff ,, all what I know is he's away and I miss him. I know he has issues but still I feel I want to be with him.
I don't know ; everything in my mind is messed up ..

Good night bloggers

Life

Life is just a road, we have to take and follow whether we liked it or not; we are not always have the chance nor the choice to select what we want or where we are going. Sometimes we feel life is very easy and we can understand it, moreover we know how to take the right decisions, but most of the time we feel ; we are living in a huge big puzzle which has a start icon and we know there's end icon and finish icon too but we don't know where exactly and how we can reach them.

We do plan and work hard to implement our plans but, we are not always lucky to do so; sometimes we face an obstacle I won't say one obstacle but a number of obstacles, which sometimes pull us way back and sometimes take us from our right way so we simply deviation from the right way; and we feel lost, we don't know how to get back to the right track, but rarely we find our self in the right track BUT either far away of our target or our a serious huge obstacle is in there and keeps me away of my target. Knowing that is difficult to accept and even harder to comprehend especially when you don't have enough time to jeopardise and you just want to use every single minutes :(.

Life is too complicated, it's just a puzzle nasty unpredictable puzzle, which we live through, we may or may not achieve all our goals and dreams though we still fight to reach what we want and what we planned for. I'm having huge deal of Faith and hope, moreover believe that Allah will help me to go through what I planned for and all my wishes will be true very soon and I'll what I have to do is waiting for the right time
Tip of today: have faith and believe on Allah then yourself , and everything will be just fine
Good night bloggers
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone provided by mobily

Strange

Due to my sickness I didn't leave home this weekend, I was on bed all time suffering of fever not mentioning running nose and sore throat, but that's ok I still can deal with it. Today finally I saw the street after this weekend; I went to work, it wasn't bad day ; except my headache which is killing me since morning until now and I don't know how to stop it.

Today I was browsing amazon.com looking for nice gifts for my engaged friends and while I was doing that, I found my key I mean it I found my heart lost key. I knew it the moment I saw it, it was mine , it's pretty strange but I felt like I lost it long time ago and I can't even remember where and I just found it. It's not because it's jewellery or something like that nooo; it's something different very different.

I told my friend that I found my lost key; she thought I was joking while I wasn't I was serious very serious, somehow that key made me feel it's mine, the key of my heart ! Which I've been looking for since I was a kid" and I found him . I know that sounds crazy but believe me it's my key I'm very sure it's my key. It's old fashioned not wow but; it has that charm and warmth, which attracted me.
I still believe it's my key, and I lost it somewhere , maybe in different life, and finally I found it , I found my heart, the key of my heart and my soul .

Form knocking out headache to sugar bloggers, good night all

My Angel

Oh Lord please send me an angel
To lead me out of this place,
Take me a away,awaaaay awaaaaaaaay
Far away
To better days
My angel, my Mom,
Have you ever felt there is an angel follows you and keeps his eyes on you? That’s me and mummy, I feel she’s my angel, she feels me, watch me even when I feel she’s away from me, whenever I start feeling lonely or sad she approves the contrary immediately.
sHe’s literally my ANGEL, I want her to take me away awaaaaaaaaay far away from this place. Where we can be just us and nothing but us…
Oh Lord please send me an angel ,,
Have a nice weekend bloggers

Sickness

I've been sick since last Thursday, it begun like a fever and the doctor gave me 2 shots and I started feeling well until Saturday, when my voice completely changed and the fever circle started. I was attending my physiotherapy session when I started sweating without any reason, it was a cold room and I was feeling very cold and I started sweating and then my throat pain begun "sore throat".

Around 1 pm I started feeling dizzy but I tried to ignore it to not get sick more than that. Sunday was very difficult day my throat was aching and ooh my God I felt the pain will kill me ; I left work early I went to the hospital I needed anything to kill that pain, I can't talk I can't swallow I can't drink; I hated that feeling.

Monday - yesterday was the worse day , I had fever again at work it comes and goes until now , and I was very tired and my voice, throat and head weren't fine, and I wasn't having good mood since I woke up I tried to overcome that but I couldn't, I don't sleep well and can't eat + my sickness and the pain I feel in my body and my heavy legs , that was a lot. I left work I went to the hospital the doctor gave me another shot and he changed my medications and I took the new ones and I became sleepy and dizzy I went to my bed I slept from 5 pm to 2 am , I woke up and my head was very heavy and I felt drunk cuz I can't even realize where am I and what time it is! . I slept again and woke up 6 am. I felt very fine and active around 7:30am I started feeling tired again but I stayed at work, I feel very lonely I don't know I just feel sad, and wish things were different , I felt I want to run away to anywhere nowhere in particular but I need to go away. This loneliness really killing me :(.

Today I woke at 6:00 am as I said and I thought I'm tougher than what I thought and it was the opposite , I became very tired at work, and I felt very cold. I left my desk couple of times seeking for sun warmth. All in all I feel very sick at the moment, I don't feel fine at all. I need to figure out a plan and just run away to be with myself a bit, J really needs a break .

Good night bloggers

The End

Have you ever felt that you are afraid of writing the end of a story that u wrote? This is me ; in the past I used to write short stories and novels, until now I do but something happened to me lately, that I'm always afraid of writing the end :(. Lately almost the majority of my stories are metaphorical stories about me and people I love , and somehow that made me feel afraid of writing the end.

This end could be happy and could be sad, and I know I'll put a lot of hope upon what I'm going to write and always will feel myself attached too but I don't want too. I want to write the end in the right time when I know exactly where am I standing, where am I going , what is the next chapter , am I going to write it with someone or I will write it alone which really freaks me out.. And a lot of questions that I can't have an answer for right now ...

I'm having a great deal of faith and hope, and power to visualise what I'm planning for and where I'm going to, though sometimes, I need to back off a bit to re-evaluate my position and situation, just like when I feel during writing a story I'm approaching the end but I'm not sure and don't know what happen next...

Let's hope, that soon I'll be writing the end, and the end which satisfy's and pleases me. As long as God with me I have nothing to be afraid of and nothing can stop in my way to achieve what I want.

Tip of today: always have faith and believe 1st, on God , 2nd , on your self and what you can do.

Good night bloggers

One Thousand and One Nights

He was Shahryar and I was Shahrazad, but in very different time and location, I used to be the one who tells the story, while I’m keeping him in my arms, and taking his fears out of his heart and hands , I start tell him stories about two lovers, where in the middle ages, he was the king and I was the maid and how he noticed me, what were our first words, how we fell in love with each other, and how that maid turned to the Queen of his heart.
He was and I was, both two pieces in that chess board, with that distance between us which we can’t change now, and we have to accept …with the sound of that flute, while I’m telling him our story, and his head is resting in my chest, after that long day, and his lovely eyes are closed, while he’s taking relaxed breath and holding me tight, “say it, what happened next to the king? Did he tell her he loves her?”
He was my own Shahryar and I was his own Shahrazad who used to tell him very interesting stories, but not to save her life, No,,she’s saying these stories to make sure he’ll never forget her and to give him a beautiful view of their love from different ages and countries.. Sometimes she wasn’t able to express how she feels ..So she chosen to be Shahrzad to tell him everything inside her heart ,,,
And when Shahryar falls asleep, she kisses his lovely eyes before she leaves,,praying he won’t forget her when he wake up,,and with this huge deal of sorrow and sadness she leaves him, with great deal of hope to see him again tomorrow ,

written by my imagination pen
Good night bloggers

Home alone

My family just left to Jed and I'm staying home, I couldn't go with them 1st because of my walking difficulties, 2nd because I have work . Yesterday was a very busy day I was all day out helping my mum to get all the needed stuff for their trip, we were back home around 11 pm, I hoped we were back earlier so I could have dropped by my best friend Sozo at least for one hour I miss her soooo much, and I feel very guilty towards her I've been so busy with my work and my courses and didn't give her enough time, that's bad , she needs me + she's pregnant and I'm sure if I was in her situation she wouldn't leave me at all. I'll make it up for her this week as long as I'm alone and no more family engagements.
So, because I'm homealone,I already planned with my friend Wij for tomorrow ; she won't leave me alone, she'll come to my place and we'll have lunch together and she'll stay with me until bed time then she'll leave, can't wait. Today was super boring day and I can imagine how this week will be and I can sense it will be the busiest week ever , this how things go these days, no problem still can manage. The most important thing is not getting sick; otherwise , seriously I'll need someone with me 24/7. Why am I saying this ! Cuz today until 5 minutes ago I was sneezing + I had fever this afternoon and running nose , let's hope it's false alarm. All in all I have to read something to help me sleep and to take my painkillers because my knees are giving me pretty hard time specially at night, so catch ya later
Good night bloggers .

J in Wonderland

Yesterday I bought two books; one is Alice in wonderland and the other was a collection of Shakespeare’s tales. So, I started reading Alice in wonderland and believe it or not, I slept and I found myself there, and it was one of the most beautiful places you’d ever visit and your eyes will ever see. It was an adventure and how it began, and how it goes right now and how it will remain, it’s my won wonderland where I can live within my own roles, no more boundaries no more limitations I’ve nothing to think about except this adventure I’m living : ).
Moving from one place to another in that unknown world, within it beauty and magic, where everything could come true once we believe and have faith. My wonderland which I’m going to take my mom too soon, I’m very sure she will love it, and we can run away to our wonderland whenever we miss each other and live with our own roles. I want to be a butterfly once we reach there, I’ll just spring my wings and I’ll fly ,,I’ll finally will be free even from my own fears; I’m free, I’m closing my eyes now and imagining how charming it is and how free I am and my soul …
To be fair, I have to make all my mother's wishes true before I become a Butterfly, I’ll simply say “your wishes are my command; ask me whatever you want and all your wishes will be true as long as you are in J’s wonderland” I’ll make everything true for her, and once I do, I’m gonna go to live my life as a butterfly, magical one.
Sometimes, our wishes can be true only when we live in our own wonderland, these days I’m living my own story in my own wonderland, If you want to join me; just get your own ticket to J’s wonderland and you’ll enjoy a part of your future through my wonderland, which will guide you to achieve all your dreams.
Tip of the day: if you want something or someone, always believe in yourself, and have faith. If you want to visit J’s wonderland, make sure to get your ticket, and enjoy your trip in my magical space..
Sweet dreams and good night bloggers

New Course new Stories

Just When I was telling my friends that’s finally I’ll be free night times because I’m almost done with my PMP course, I got involved in another course but day time course; so, I’m attending this class instead of the ITA and here where the story begin, first of all we have the instructor story
First, yesterday after I reached my office IT Director called me to ask about my opinion on this course and I said “send someone instead of you” I didn’t know that means he’s going to say “then it’s you” hahahahahaha and I replied “ as you like it’s up to you”, I went to the course location and here the comedy begins. I was late and when I got to the class the instructor was shouting and I was like :O and somehow “WTF” so, I was looking for my place and they said I have to take the ITA chair and I did, I was about to sit when this lunatic instructor started hitting himself in his head and his neck very hard and I was like OMG what’s that !! and I was really shocked and very scare, I’m in physic class :O, I wanted to go back but my friends who are attending the same class waved to me and convinced me to not leave and he did it before, so that means I’m safe.
He kept hitting himself and I was really afraid, so I sent my friend sms telling her lucky you, you are not attending this class with this lunatic, she started sending me sms’s which made me feel this is the hardest class ever, I couldn’t concentrate , All in all it was so far a perfect day,
Tip of the day: enjoy every moment with your friends, you never know, you might never get the chance to do it again with them, may Allah accept all your prayers and all your wishes come true. Sweet dreams bloggers.

Today

I was walking with bare feet on the mud over the shore, and I was drawing with my fingers on the sands, the weather was perfect it wasn’t very sunny nor cloudy day, it had a shy sunlight which was playing my curly hair while that moist wind was moving my earrings with it,,I was wearing short white dress, and kinda lost in the space and I forgot which direction I supposed to take back . Therefore, I picked a small blue mat and put it by the water and let the water play with my feet and moving my ankle bracelet… I was watching the sky and I took a deep breath in and then out and closed my eyes ,,and I heard them coming towards me; so I opened my eyes and I’ve seen them approaching me,,,,, I look around where should I go? Though they were getting closer and closer I didn’t move at all..
Up wake up,,, I opened my eyes and I was in my bed and my mum and my sister were trying to wake me up; for a moment I didn’t know where am I and I was trying to ask, when I felt pain in my head and I can’t move fast, “ you fainted, are you ok ? you look white” believe it or not I can’t remember what happened before my dream or call it whatever you want to call it , it was a dream at least for me ,,,
funny !! and strange

Wednesday

I can’t believe its Wednesday; my weekend just begun, I felt overwhelmed during this week because of the course and studying and everything. Thanks God I feel I achieved more than I planned for and really I believe now in the effectiveness of the positive thinking and how this changed me so far, though a lot of irritating things happened but I kept ignoring them to not give them the chance to effect my mood and spoil it ! And it workssss
Generally it was long week
All in all I don’t wanna talk about this subject, we are invited tomorrow over dinner in my friends’ house I’m not excited about it but as long as my mum and sisters are going I have to join them, so I finally bought a dress actually I bought 2 , one of them is silk silver with leather belt and the other looks like roman Togo and it’s gray but I hate the color ; and I think I’m going to wear it because I’m out of time and don’t want to look for something else,, I wanted to have peaceful weekend where I can study and try to sleep and having hot packs for my back and cold ones for my knees and that’s it ,,but no problem I hope I enjoy it ,,
Tip of today: think positively and, try to enjoy your weekend as much as you can
Good night bloggers

Mission accomplished

I’ve decided last night that from today I’m going to change myself and think differently and actually this helped me so far to have peace at least with myself, I didn’t feel angry at all today I was smiling all the day regardless the pain I was feeling which is increasing and I don’t know why but I generally felt happy and optimistic very optimistic.
I made a deal with my mind to start functioning in certain way and I think I succeeded apparently in configuring my mind. So, I was very excited about today’s morning meeting with the CEO, not excited to see the CEO or the content of the meeting ; no it was my project which gonna be presented and I wanted to be there ; nothing more nor less and I feel very satisfied and happy too and that’s why I said “ mission accomplished”.
My deal with myself and my mind is to start thinking positively and using my mind’s power and made it works for my own goodness, so there’s one employee who’s working with me and he thinks I’m competing with him while I didn’t even think about him and kept giving me that face:|, which tells you “caution, it’s high pressure device” lol I feel he is carrying this sign above his head and that makes me laugh and it’s really funny!. I keep ignoring him and I don’t even bother myself by giving him a space of my peace because he doesn’t even deserve it UNLESS I want to laugh I start remembering his reactions towards my comments lol which is really really funny .
All what am doing is making peace with myself so maybe in some point I get to understand me and my reactions and why I do things that I don’t want to do but I feel something inside me pushes me to do it !! Better understanding ummm yeah ; I believe let’s say that until I find another term which is more specific and describing. All in all I feel good towards life as a whole I miss this feeling; honestly this is the first time I feel good towards life.
Tip of today: try to think positively and believe in what you want and someday all your wishes will come true.
Good night bloggers

Swan Lake

I’ve been listening to the Swan Lake music of Tchaikovsky, when it takes you to what’s behind this universe, to discover later than you were all the time in one star but in the other side where u feel it’s different planet… amazing view, clear sky, jasmine breeze taking those trees leaves around you and create that beautiful drawing which you can’t take your eyes of.

Breath taking, unbelievable, lying down watching those sparkly starts while hearing the water murmur and smelling the berry’s tree fragrance.. it’s like wonderland.. and over there just up in the air that golden fairy blowing that magical dust upon you and takes you Faaaaaaaaaar away to the infinity …

Just like a summer night dream, that was my dream while I was listening to Swan Lake where I used to dive in the past, when there weren’t any type of mankind and I was captivated in that enchanted planet with that magical dust and my fairy which entertain me and be my only connection to the future ,,,

It was one summer night, in my mind, where all these doubts playing with my head until my fairy came and saved me..

Good night bloggers

I miss K

Last night and today have lots of tragedy, K left me I can’t believe that he’s not coming to my room anymore!. Before he leaves, he said “do you want me to carry you ?” just like when I left the hospital after my operation. Oh my God, I couldn’t stop crying and I can’t too. My mum was trying her best to comfort me when she felt I’m breaking down and I can’t stand it. I’m getting over sensitive and I don’t know why, I was tougher when my bro Youyou left I did cry but not as much as I did last night and today.
I wish I have wings so I can just fly to them and be with them, it’s very hard feeling there’s no male by your side to protect you, yes they are younger than me and I’m the oldest though I feel we still close to each other and we still kids and we didn’t grow up yet. With my Dad distance and my brothers aren’t here; I feel not existed and alone very alone.
I used to think “whenever I fall K will pick me up; whenever I cry Youyou will take my tears, but now, none of them is by my side; I feel they all left me and I’m again alone. It’s not about needing someone to look after me but having brothers like mine is very rare.
Our cousin, A spent the night here with us, whenever I see his pictures with K I start crying, they were like twins no one can split them and now they are splitting. I asked him to not leave me, not because K left me he stop dropping by and visiting us like usual , I couldn’t hold my tears and I cried and he cried too, he said I can’t do it you are my oldest sis and nothing gonna change this fact. Even that didn’t change the fact he’s not K and K left me.
Tip of today: don’t cry that much when someone leaves you, eventually they will return back to you. Always try to be next to your brothers and they will be next to you; especially when you need them. Don’t let your sadness changes anything in your soul or heart
Sweet dreams bloggers, good night

J is Gone

I’m at the start point in the life race path, and I decided to go alone as long as I’m not included there, I feel I’m only the outsider in any picture which disappoints and bothers a lot , without mentioning frustration, loneliness, emotional depression, and sadness.
I started to feel I’m not happy, I’m faaar away of being happy; everything is disappointing me more and more and everyone too. For how long I should wait and look for improvements while I know no improvements will come up in the air? For how long should I try to cure my bleeding wounds and I can’t though I’m insisting that I can??
Why I’m the one who supposed to understand everyone and no one will even try to understand me!. Is it my fault? Or it’s other’s?... I wished the one I’m into tried at least once for me!
Form a very confused person to unknown bloggers
Good night

New office

Today was a very wired day , first I just moved to my new office, which is very close to the main CR , I’m not familiar with ppl there, I don’t know it’s kinda annoying feeling I got!. I spent my day finalizing a lot of pending issues and reading about the PMP to refresh my memory. Around 12:00 pm my boss passed by my desk I felt “oooh finally I’m safe” I don’t know how he’s the only 1 that made me feel safe .Then, he sent me invitation for a meeting and we met around 1:00 pm, just to keep me by his side, and it was great. I felt really safe. I left to my home then I went to the course PMP and it was very very nice course but I felt sleeeeeeeeepyyyyy… I wanted to sleep and still wanna sleep ,,Good night
byeee

Leaving crutches

Finally, today I know that I can stop using my crutches and instead I should use a cane, which I think is gonna ease my walking trials and decrease the pain caused by the crutches. I told Saf that I wanna wear Red shoes in my first try to walk , unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it, and instead I got green shoes.
They look cute but I wish if they were red not green. Moreover, with all excitement I feel, I still feel disappointed that I’m not gonna wear red shoes.
I feel disappointed, I think I should go to bed, I’m gonna have a very long day tomorrow, not mentioning how nervous I am about my transition at work, that gonna make me closer to my boss but I feel I’m a bit afraid
I don’t know why ,, I think I better go to sleep
Good night bloggers !

Unpredictable guest

I didn't sleep well last night, I spent my time crying over the phone with my best friend, she noticed how deep I got into this stupid job and she knew now what I meant when I said I'm in hell, I wasn't kidding or having fun, it was the truth. I asked her to tell me what should I do, I knew her answer and I expected that; I'm really afraid ... I feel I'm giving up everything, there's no use,, I just have to leave everything to God's willing.I couldn't sleep so, around 4:30 am I took one panadol night pill, because I really needed to. And I slept until 6:00 am and I woke up having red puffy eyes cuz I didn't sleep+ I was crying, and I walked like a drunk man, I can't control my steps because of that stupid pill which made me dizzy and sleepy. Generally I feel better today, I spent last night praying to God, and somehow I feel good and there's this inner satisfaction which provides me with strength.So, I came to work I thought it will be an ordinary day, until I checked my e-mail and there was one e-mail from my English literature professor, he sent a letter asking to see us his star students (me,Saf,Mimi). So I called Saf and told her she came to my office and we sent him and e-mail asking him to pass by my office after his appointment in the radiology section. And he came, I was shocked, actually both of us (me & Saf) he looked very very old, it seems he had hard time with cancer and looked at us and he said "look at my daughters they are grown up now, I can rest in peace now, I don't have to worry about you anymore" . I don't know why he gave me this impression that he's leaving or we are not gonna see him again !! I felt happy, It was unexpected and I still feel I'm dreaming that we met him again, though he didn't look healthy as before.One more thing, unexpected today too.. My best friend is pregnant :),, I'm very happy for her very very happy for her. I feel I'm the pregnant one not her heheheh...Tip of today: always remember that God is taking a good care of us, always stay focus because this happens once in ur life, the most important thing, maintain your relationship with your instructors and believe it or not, someday, you'll feel they were great ppl in your life.

Run away

I sent an e-mail to one of my friends today, asking for help to figure out a way to leave for a week or so and just to be away from here as far as I can and as soon as I can too. Actually that wasn’t very helpful but afriend tried to give me perfect places where I can feel peace and to be away from ppl and to find time for myself. I’m planning now for this I have to leave by the end of next week or max the week after, but all of this depends on my family if they gonna force me to take someone with me to help me during my trip that will be difficult, let’s hope I’m gonna go alone.
I have to disconnect myself from this ugly world, I’m not gonna take my laptop nor my BB. I’m thinking of isolated place or an island. I started searching in the internet for a natural resort but didn’t match what I’m thinking of, I don’t want nor need to network with strangers , I need peace and time to re-evaluate my current situation. I want to spend my time reading, writing short stories, swimming , jogging , and drawing ; nothing more than that. I might check if I can take diving lessons during my stay.
Today I went to the beach, I sat there beside the shore without saying a word I felt the beach understood me and how I feel, I tried to take deep breath in and out; then I closed my eyes and I promised myself I’m gonna think of anything . So I closed my eyes and I saw myself there in that cloud up there opening my eyes and looking upwards and my arms were stretched and stupidly I was listening to strange voice talking to me, I forced myself to open my eyes and I opened them, I wore my shoes and asked my mum to help me back; because my moment of peace weren’t effective as I thought.
Tip of today: don’t make someone a priority in your life while you are only an option. Always help you self to look at the other side of the fence even if there is nothing there, you never know what tomorrow will bring to you.

I'm a GEEK !

Guess what! my friend told me yesterday that the first time we met she thought I'm a GEEK, very funny, and I'm still GEEK until now but in my own different way lol..I was like (ooh:O ) and didn't say a thing in the beginning because I felt speechless lol,that means I left a real impression on her ;), then she started justifying the reason's of being GEEK :p
A. because I don’t watch TV (I hate TV Showes)
B. I was the star student at school and still (Yeahhh very )
C. I read novels and I enjoy reading different types of books, well! This true.
D. I'm a detailed girl
E. I'm a time freak + i respect time more than anyone else :P
I somehow liked that, I felt different in my own way, it just like living in my own planet or something similar which is likeable and ummm enjoyable too. So I promised to write about my GEEKISH personality here lol , all in all I’m not that GEEK or up normal person, I’m very normal I just like to be perfect in some aspects + as I told you before I’m a planning freak + my friends keep calling me (Monica) from the famous series Friends because I’m sort of acting like her :$ . as much as I hated being called Monica as much as I got used to it and I liked it now and somehow I like it specially when my friends start teasing me by saying (come on Monica give me a break ).
So I’m Monica Giler and a GEEK too LOL.
Tip of today : don’t get upset when your friend tells you " babe you are Geek "
Second, enjoy being Monica just like me.

B'bye weekend

It’s Friday that means I have to be at work tomorrow while I don’t feel I want to. Last Tuesday my boss requested to meet me but I wasn’t at work , I was in Bah to remove my stitches, so I informed his secretary I’ll be in my office Wednesday which happened really. I met him early morning at 7:40 am which spoiled my day. For the first time I feel I really started hating him because of his silliness which is unbearable, I though he came to see me after my sick leave + because I came to work while I’m still in my leave period; but he started talking about lots of silly staff which I’m pretty sure were diverted by one greedy (GEEK) in our department, regardless what I felt at that moment (pain) there was only one thing in my mind (is he serious!! Brought me from home to tell me this Crap!!) I can’t believe it!!
So I decided instead of bothering myself with this issue, it seems I’ve to talk with him again about this issue next week Tuesday insha Allah, I’m gonna open all my papers and tell him how I feel and how he disappointed me so far , not forgetting his promises to provide me with suitable training and so far nothing happened. I did my best according to my knowledge and I think I’m about to reach the MAX level and he didn’t do his part which’s (providing me with trainings and courses within this field I’m working in) may be then he’ll stop stalking me with (CEO asked about u …bla bla bla ..Which I barely believe). I can be very provoking person then; in case he wouldn’t do me the courses thingi!
I talked with my friend and I told her what happened and as far as I remember that both of us were having the same point of view bout our boss + she agreed with my idea of talking to him. Frank talk, I think I’m about to reach this point where I have to look for another job , as much as I feel happy and safe because I’m next to my friends at work as much as my Boss is pushing me to leave this entire organization and move to different place. Moreover, ten days ago the business women center which belongs to the chamber of commerce, contacted me to conduct a number of legal lecture to their board and they offered me to work with them too, regarding lectures I’m willing to do it, but the offer I have to think and mostly I’m gonna turn it down, I guess that’s the right decision, who knows may be my boss will change his attitude and his jammed mentality before it’s too late !

Awake :(

Believe it or not it's 8 am and I'm still awake, I had a very rough night with this
unstoppable pain which eventually caused fever. I'm very tired and still in pain,
why I can't even find a position enable me to sleep :'(
I'm very tired and I need to sleeeeep. Sometimes I wish I didn't do my operation
to not have all this pain ufff...
It's Thursday morning (weekend) and I'm still trying to sleep that's yaaaak :(
no drugs works for me anymore .
I'll try to sleep again and get back to ya later today
Catch ya later

Back to Work !!

Very strange morning, I just got back to my work after 3 weeks sick leave, and it feels strange
First, this is the first time I take more than 15 minutes to reach my office
Second, this first time not be able to walk inside my office
Third, ppl coming inside outside my office and I can’t stand up to greet them !
A number of my colleagues and whom I consider friends too came to visit me in my office, though
I almost missed everything here, but I still feel kinda weird
I don’t know why!!
I feel strange very strange, though my workmate had a very good news for me regarding SA law system improvements “latest improvements”
I pretended being excited though I’m not lol
Somehow, I feel I’m hurt and my wound is bleeding and I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop thinking of what happened last week and how things gone.
Being sick, facing the unknown alone while the most important person wasn’t by my side! Which shocked me and I feel I can’t forgive
And there’s no room of forgiveness in my heart right now and i’m afraid I’m not gonna have it anymore, moreover, this disappointment; I don’t think I can take it anymore too.
I need to heal my broken heart so I can go on easily and overcome all of these I won’t say issues
I would say distractions.

Ppl's truth

Good morning to my poor soul, she has been thinking that everyone is acting just like her, while she was absolutely mistaken, due to the differences between us as human beings but it seems my soul couldn’t comprehend this concept properly, until she reached a point where she felt very wounded and hurt because of her beloved ones.
Being faithful no matter what happen! Is great once we feel appreciated and loved too; this doesn’t match the point of being dumped or left to face the unknown alone. Somehow, regardless being faithful, dignity takes the greater deal of the relationship.
I have to admit after my sickness experience I’ve known ppl much better and knew who’s by my side whenever I need him/her and who’s not!. I thought such is applied only when someone of us is in trouble or somehow everyone knew he’s bankrupt that ppl while run away from her/him, but I didn’t know this will apply even over temporal sickness.
What a shame! How I was blind to notice the human nature and how greedy they are!!no matter what I have to think positively through this experience and take it as a life experience to avoid such ppl in the future and never give them more than what they really deserve