J is Gone

I’m at the start point in the life race path, and I decided to go alone as long as I’m not included there, I feel I’m only the outsider in any picture which disappoints and bothers a lot , without mentioning frustration, loneliness, emotional depression, and sadness.
I started to feel I’m not happy, I’m faaar away of being happy; everything is disappointing me more and more and everyone too. For how long I should wait and look for improvements while I know no improvements will come up in the air? For how long should I try to cure my bleeding wounds and I can’t though I’m insisting that I can??
Why I’m the one who supposed to understand everyone and no one will even try to understand me!. Is it my fault? Or it’s other’s?... I wished the one I’m into tried at least once for me!
Form a very confused person to unknown bloggers
Good night

New office

Today was a very wired day , first I just moved to my new office, which is very close to the main CR , I’m not familiar with ppl there, I don’t know it’s kinda annoying feeling I got!. I spent my day finalizing a lot of pending issues and reading about the PMP to refresh my memory. Around 12:00 pm my boss passed by my desk I felt “oooh finally I’m safe” I don’t know how he’s the only 1 that made me feel safe .Then, he sent me invitation for a meeting and we met around 1:00 pm, just to keep me by his side, and it was great. I felt really safe. I left to my home then I went to the course PMP and it was very very nice course but I felt sleeeeeeeeepyyyyy… I wanted to sleep and still wanna sleep ,,Good night
byeee

Leaving crutches

Finally, today I know that I can stop using my crutches and instead I should use a cane, which I think is gonna ease my walking trials and decrease the pain caused by the crutches. I told Saf that I wanna wear Red shoes in my first try to walk , unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it, and instead I got green shoes.
They look cute but I wish if they were red not green. Moreover, with all excitement I feel, I still feel disappointed that I’m not gonna wear red shoes.
I feel disappointed, I think I should go to bed, I’m gonna have a very long day tomorrow, not mentioning how nervous I am about my transition at work, that gonna make me closer to my boss but I feel I’m a bit afraid
I don’t know why ,, I think I better go to sleep
Good night bloggers !

Unpredictable guest

I didn't sleep well last night, I spent my time crying over the phone with my best friend, she noticed how deep I got into this stupid job and she knew now what I meant when I said I'm in hell, I wasn't kidding or having fun, it was the truth. I asked her to tell me what should I do, I knew her answer and I expected that; I'm really afraid ... I feel I'm giving up everything, there's no use,, I just have to leave everything to God's willing.I couldn't sleep so, around 4:30 am I took one panadol night pill, because I really needed to. And I slept until 6:00 am and I woke up having red puffy eyes cuz I didn't sleep+ I was crying, and I walked like a drunk man, I can't control my steps because of that stupid pill which made me dizzy and sleepy. Generally I feel better today, I spent last night praying to God, and somehow I feel good and there's this inner satisfaction which provides me with strength.So, I came to work I thought it will be an ordinary day, until I checked my e-mail and there was one e-mail from my English literature professor, he sent a letter asking to see us his star students (me,Saf,Mimi). So I called Saf and told her she came to my office and we sent him and e-mail asking him to pass by my office after his appointment in the radiology section. And he came, I was shocked, actually both of us (me & Saf) he looked very very old, it seems he had hard time with cancer and looked at us and he said "look at my daughters they are grown up now, I can rest in peace now, I don't have to worry about you anymore" . I don't know why he gave me this impression that he's leaving or we are not gonna see him again !! I felt happy, It was unexpected and I still feel I'm dreaming that we met him again, though he didn't look healthy as before.One more thing, unexpected today too.. My best friend is pregnant :),, I'm very happy for her very very happy for her. I feel I'm the pregnant one not her heheheh...Tip of today: always remember that God is taking a good care of us, always stay focus because this happens once in ur life, the most important thing, maintain your relationship with your instructors and believe it or not, someday, you'll feel they were great ppl in your life.

Run away

I sent an e-mail to one of my friends today, asking for help to figure out a way to leave for a week or so and just to be away from here as far as I can and as soon as I can too. Actually that wasn’t very helpful but afriend tried to give me perfect places where I can feel peace and to be away from ppl and to find time for myself. I’m planning now for this I have to leave by the end of next week or max the week after, but all of this depends on my family if they gonna force me to take someone with me to help me during my trip that will be difficult, let’s hope I’m gonna go alone.
I have to disconnect myself from this ugly world, I’m not gonna take my laptop nor my BB. I’m thinking of isolated place or an island. I started searching in the internet for a natural resort but didn’t match what I’m thinking of, I don’t want nor need to network with strangers , I need peace and time to re-evaluate my current situation. I want to spend my time reading, writing short stories, swimming , jogging , and drawing ; nothing more than that. I might check if I can take diving lessons during my stay.
Today I went to the beach, I sat there beside the shore without saying a word I felt the beach understood me and how I feel, I tried to take deep breath in and out; then I closed my eyes and I promised myself I’m gonna think of anything . So I closed my eyes and I saw myself there in that cloud up there opening my eyes and looking upwards and my arms were stretched and stupidly I was listening to strange voice talking to me, I forced myself to open my eyes and I opened them, I wore my shoes and asked my mum to help me back; because my moment of peace weren’t effective as I thought.
Tip of today: don’t make someone a priority in your life while you are only an option. Always help you self to look at the other side of the fence even if there is nothing there, you never know what tomorrow will bring to you.

I'm a GEEK !

Guess what! my friend told me yesterday that the first time we met she thought I'm a GEEK, very funny, and I'm still GEEK until now but in my own different way lol..I was like (ooh:O ) and didn't say a thing in the beginning because I felt speechless lol,that means I left a real impression on her ;), then she started justifying the reason's of being GEEK :p
A. because I don’t watch TV (I hate TV Showes)
B. I was the star student at school and still (Yeahhh very )
C. I read novels and I enjoy reading different types of books, well! This true.
D. I'm a detailed girl
E. I'm a time freak + i respect time more than anyone else :P
I somehow liked that, I felt different in my own way, it just like living in my own planet or something similar which is likeable and ummm enjoyable too. So I promised to write about my GEEKISH personality here lol , all in all I’m not that GEEK or up normal person, I’m very normal I just like to be perfect in some aspects + as I told you before I’m a planning freak + my friends keep calling me (Monica) from the famous series Friends because I’m sort of acting like her :$ . as much as I hated being called Monica as much as I got used to it and I liked it now and somehow I like it specially when my friends start teasing me by saying (come on Monica give me a break ).
So I’m Monica Giler and a GEEK too LOL.
Tip of today : don’t get upset when your friend tells you " babe you are Geek "
Second, enjoy being Monica just like me.

B'bye weekend

It’s Friday that means I have to be at work tomorrow while I don’t feel I want to. Last Tuesday my boss requested to meet me but I wasn’t at work , I was in Bah to remove my stitches, so I informed his secretary I’ll be in my office Wednesday which happened really. I met him early morning at 7:40 am which spoiled my day. For the first time I feel I really started hating him because of his silliness which is unbearable, I though he came to see me after my sick leave + because I came to work while I’m still in my leave period; but he started talking about lots of silly staff which I’m pretty sure were diverted by one greedy (GEEK) in our department, regardless what I felt at that moment (pain) there was only one thing in my mind (is he serious!! Brought me from home to tell me this Crap!!) I can’t believe it!!
So I decided instead of bothering myself with this issue, it seems I’ve to talk with him again about this issue next week Tuesday insha Allah, I’m gonna open all my papers and tell him how I feel and how he disappointed me so far , not forgetting his promises to provide me with suitable training and so far nothing happened. I did my best according to my knowledge and I think I’m about to reach the MAX level and he didn’t do his part which’s (providing me with trainings and courses within this field I’m working in) may be then he’ll stop stalking me with (CEO asked about u …bla bla bla ..Which I barely believe). I can be very provoking person then; in case he wouldn’t do me the courses thingi!
I talked with my friend and I told her what happened and as far as I remember that both of us were having the same point of view bout our boss + she agreed with my idea of talking to him. Frank talk, I think I’m about to reach this point where I have to look for another job , as much as I feel happy and safe because I’m next to my friends at work as much as my Boss is pushing me to leave this entire organization and move to different place. Moreover, ten days ago the business women center which belongs to the chamber of commerce, contacted me to conduct a number of legal lecture to their board and they offered me to work with them too, regarding lectures I’m willing to do it, but the offer I have to think and mostly I’m gonna turn it down, I guess that’s the right decision, who knows may be my boss will change his attitude and his jammed mentality before it’s too late !

Awake :(

Believe it or not it's 8 am and I'm still awake, I had a very rough night with this
unstoppable pain which eventually caused fever. I'm very tired and still in pain,
why I can't even find a position enable me to sleep :'(
I'm very tired and I need to sleeeeep. Sometimes I wish I didn't do my operation
to not have all this pain ufff...
It's Thursday morning (weekend) and I'm still trying to sleep that's yaaaak :(
no drugs works for me anymore .
I'll try to sleep again and get back to ya later today
Catch ya later

Back to Work !!

Very strange morning, I just got back to my work after 3 weeks sick leave, and it feels strange
First, this is the first time I take more than 15 minutes to reach my office
Second, this first time not be able to walk inside my office
Third, ppl coming inside outside my office and I can’t stand up to greet them !
A number of my colleagues and whom I consider friends too came to visit me in my office, though
I almost missed everything here, but I still feel kinda weird
I don’t know why!!
I feel strange very strange, though my workmate had a very good news for me regarding SA law system improvements “latest improvements”
I pretended being excited though I’m not lol
Somehow, I feel I’m hurt and my wound is bleeding and I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop thinking of what happened last week and how things gone.
Being sick, facing the unknown alone while the most important person wasn’t by my side! Which shocked me and I feel I can’t forgive
And there’s no room of forgiveness in my heart right now and i’m afraid I’m not gonna have it anymore, moreover, this disappointment; I don’t think I can take it anymore too.
I need to heal my broken heart so I can go on easily and overcome all of these I won’t say issues
I would say distractions.