Broken Heart

It’s been a while since I wrote here ,, sorry for being away all this time. Apparently my heart is broken and I was trying to figure out a way to recover but I couldn’t and I can’t too. Somehow it feels impossible to do it now. How things got this complicated how I became over sensitive how I feel I can’t control myself anymore? All of these questions got no answers. All what I know is life goes on and we have to look at the other side of the fence where we leave our dreams along with all our wishes which someday will come true,,
To the lost spirit I love ,,May Allah be with you

Which one !! :S

I really need an android device and I can’t decide between the xoom Motorola and Ipad 2 , I was watching some users reviews in Youtube and I found
Xoom impressive but I’m a bit worried about the application what applications I can install and common between the Ipad and the Xoom ..I liked the Xoom more than the Ipad but the Ipad has
Great number of apps ,,aaaah I’m really perplexed  and don’t know what to get ..
Another problem ,,shall I get Canon professional or Nikon professional ?? same issue ,,ugh I hate this
Anyway I got to go , I have meeting now
Bye

Only pics

First pic , My hand .. i like the black nails hahaha
Second , is my drawing , i was drawing our trainer during the session , he was such a crazy guy hahahaha
and the rest are my nephew and my bedroom , of course ur noticing my feet ,, this pic were taking after my knees operation to show my friends the vase they brought me ..
it's only a pic day ,,anyway g2g ,,B'Bye

New Office

Just got into my new office, it’s way cooler than my old office. Though to be honest I don’t like my workmates, it isn’t about liking them or not
I just don’t want them to act as if they are my friends or as if I knew them , I don’t like strangers and I hate them specially when they act with me
As if they know me pretty well..anyway back to reality…I went to new salon to make pedicure and manicure and I like my feet more than my hands
Maybe because it’s the first time I feel I like the color with my skin hahah though I had French nails that’s it ..
Got to go now
B’bye..

Daddy I need you ....

Daddy I need you …
I need my dad more than ever, no one can imagine how hard needing a parent while he’s gone.. I need your advice, your presence, your voice, your hands which comforts me when I’m scared..
Daddy,, I’ve done something you supposed to do and I believe I’ve done it right as if you were here,, whenever I start planning for that I remember everything you told me and how to do it ,,and I wish you were close to tell me what am doing is right …no one like you and nobody can be like you.. Your place still empty, wish you fill it though I know that’s impossible.. I wish I never forget your voice which lives in my head, I wish I never forget how you spell my name and how you were calling me Honey ,,,Dad I need you to protect me from myself and from others too..
May Allah wash you with his blessings and mercy ,,may Allah gather us in paradise where no tears nor farewell ..
With Love
Your daughter
J

Backkkk

I'm back,, to SA I'm back..
To be honest I didn't like Sri lanka like many others. It was quit good business trip, I've done everything and I got back and I missed my mum and friends ..actually one upsetting thing is , they ruined my Ipod, it doesn't work and I can't check my mail and my notes too ..I've to work on that..anyway its time to have lunch
B'bye

I gotta feeling ,,tata tata tata taaa

Today was a good day, though I had fever this afternoon but still it was a good day. I received an email from work notifying me I'm involved in the most important project and I'm an official team member now and we'll start training and so on next week by Allah's welling, I'm so happy ; though Roxie weren't nominated and that was awkward because we r almost always together ; but yet I'm happy :)
Something nice to, my secretary sent me a nice pic of a card she made by herself and stick it on my desk as ( a get well soon & welcome back too) and I suppose to see it on air hahaha next week saturday :)
Have a look at it , I'm attaching it ..
Good night bloggers

Through Dairies

Have you ever felt that your living your day through someone's dairies?! That's me ..I don't know is it due to my sickness or I just have this passion that I wanna fulfil. I've been reading my fathers dairies; it isn't an actual dairy and I don't think that he wanted it to looks like that, maybe he was just trying to register everything he was facing to not forget it , or just to keep it as an important note for the coming days. Days didn't see light unfortunately..somehow, I saw myself reflected there in a number of cases, and I've seen my siblings too; but it feels strange because I feel somehow he's guiding me through these similarities between us ..I don't know ..I still wish things were different ; but that's fine and all I can do is saying alhamdulAllah for everything ..
Anyway , I g2g bloggers
GN

Please come and find me my Love

Please come and find me my love.
I'm ready now, to come home.
Please come and find me my love.
Lets leave this place, lets leave no trace.
Can you hear me my love? I'm shouting in the rain.
Can you hear me?
Can you see me my love? I'm drawing in the sand.
Can you see me?
I hope that im still with you. That you are with me. You always will be.
Can you feel me my love? I'm hurting so bad.
Can you feel me?
Can you tell about my thoughts? I wish that you were here.
Do you know it?
The time that i've had dont need anymore, you're the one i wait for

What kinda person is she!!

She still insisting on stalking me and bothering me with her Bull**** I started to believe that she thinks everyone is as stupid as she is ! She still have faith that I'd believe all her crap! Why she can't just save her face and withdraw! Is it that difficult? Well yeah for a dirtbag yes it is!
I wish if she just pay a second and re-read all her rubbish to notice what she got herself into! She forgot how smart I am and how easy to catch her when she lies , anyway I wish she burn in hell , both hells the current one and the one after life too,, may Allah accept my prayers and may she pay for every bad deed she did towards me or any other girl , Ameen
Good night bloggers

Be Honest

Unfortunately, lately I discovered that when someone betrays you, and you just want to move on and forget about them and make everything " break up" goes smooth and peaceful, still the awful betrayer has the must stupid GUTS which I don't know from where they get it , to discuss and negotiate and make it as an open confront mixed with a make up stories just to justify and clear their positions and to make the incident looks like " slight misunderstanding" while its not; specially when you have every single proof..
Such ppl I don't know how they still alive and still act and believe that they are humans ,,No comment.. I'd forgive and just let go everything if the second party was honest ; but such manipulative person huh and underestimating my intelligence..is on fire and taking the highway to Hell ...
Anyway,, I g2g .. GN bloggers

I don't know

Sometimes I feel I'm getting used to your absence and I fully understand it ; and somehow I get back 3 steps back and start feel its really unbelievable how you are gone!
Is it me? Or everyone else is facing the same! When I'll be able to process it and believe it too..
May Allah be by my side
Good night bloggers

I Don't Want to Live in The Moon ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WsXtCPE7Ww&feature=related

Today was like a Flashback day of my childhood,,I was searching in Youtube when by sudden I found this lovely song which I remember from the Sesame street show..I was 5 or 6 when I saw this song and I do remember how much I loved it ,,,somehow that song brought my tears up..
I wish I'm 5 again ,,wearing my little red dress and singing in the living room until my mum ask me to stop it because she can't concentrate ...how lovely our childhood was..
enjoy the video ,,good night and sweet dreams all
GN

Ms.Harley

Hellooo...
Ms.Harley = me , is getting ready to go out in a ride with her brother in their Harley Davidson with her Latest Helmet which she has as a gift :D ... I'm soooo happy it really made my day . And I believe that I won't go anywhere without my new helmet and no riding Harley anymore without the new helmet :)
You can check my helmet out , I did attache it ,,G2g now my harley is calling ,,,,,,,,

Full with action

Yesterday was a long day for me, I slept at 3:45 am and at 5:30am our house maid woke me up to tell me that they other house maid disappeared ! I was very tired and I couldn't understand what she was saying; I thought she was telling me she died , so I grabed my robe and left my bedroom to check her when I discovered she ran away! I called her and her mobile was off! So I waited until 10 am and told my brother to start taking the required action in such cases. My mum is really upset and I've nothing to do, that was the first event of today, around 5 pm she sent me a msg to clarify why she ran and her justification was very silly and I just ignored her. At 10 we heard that a young relative passed away in a car accident , and at 1 am my brother went back to US. Now its 4 am something and I didn't sleep yet, I'm very tired and this Blackberry is giving me hard time whenever I try to write something in my blog. Anyway forgive me for any unintentional mistakes ( typing ones) because it doesn't show what I've written previously so I can correct it.
I'll pray then sleep . GN bloggers .

What next !

Yesterday due to my depression and how I'm acting lately which reflected on me negatively , my mum called me and she was really worried about me and asked me to see a psychologist, she kept asking me to do so for a long time and I didn't do it because I wasn't convinced ; but yesterday and after an incident at work and my Boss telling me that I'm not acting myself lately I called the psychologist and booked for a session , and guess what ! I couldn't even say one full sentence without a stater ; I was really nervous . Dr.Cyn replied that apparently I'm having depression and its increasing due to my father's loss, though she can't give me any actual diagnoses unless she talks with me. So, I'm starting with her and next week Sunday she'll be giving me my actual results. I have to admit; I didn't know how to express my sadness and the pressure I've been under for the last couple of years along with what I faced during the recovering process after my operation and how all of that pushed me to the cliff, along with all responsibilities I have and how I can't show my weakness ; all made me commit a number of actions just to get rid of what I'm feeling though it doesn't fix what's damaged at all. aaah I feel lost and friendless too, facing the unknown alone,,I hate what I feel right now and I don't know why I'm doing lots of stupid things,,my mum told me getting pretty things won't heal your wounds and its Ok to ask someone to help you if you feel you can't ask me to help you..
I wish I'm doing the right thing..
wish me luck

Father

Daddy, I just can’t hold my tears, I can’t stop them ; they are falling and I wish they are washing or taking my pain away .I still find it difficult to process that you just left and you are not around anymore ,,I need you daddy every morning I need you, with every advice
With everything you taught me. Last night I remembered how you taught me using the gun, the bullets, how to clean it and how to hold it to not harm my shoulder ..
I still feeling your hands over my hand and shoulder while you are teaching me ,,as much I was nervous when you were teaching as much I miss this touch now.
Daddy, I need you , this is bigger than me and I still struggle to believe it. I need you , I need to be weak at least for once, once without someone asking me to be tougher than
Always, why they forget I’m a person ,;human who has feelings and feels the loss too.
Wish things were different I wouldn’t feel I’m jeopardizing my health and my life because I have to keep it all inside and never let it show..
I just miss you dad more than ever , and wish you feel me and hear me ,
Your daughter
J

Good morning

Its 6:45 am and I'm getting ready to go to work ; just to have another boring day at work, as you see lately I can't find anything interesting . I woke up at 5:00 am though I slept late, I was chatting with one of my friends , she was the birthday girl, she was sparking and shinning since yesterday morning and I felt she's really enjoying her day, and somehow I wished I can feel the same and just to get rid of everything makes me sad. Two days ago I couldn't bare staying at work , so I returned home at 11 am or may be earlier I can't remember exactly, I felt I don't wanna talk to anyone and I'm not welcoming any kinda chat with anyone. Once I got into my room before I even change my cloths I opened my closet and I got rid of most of my cloths , I almost have an empty closet now, all to the charity foundation I don't want them ; even my shoes most of them are new, I felt I don't want them and they just carry awful and sad memories and I don't wanna feel I'm sorrounded with such ,,
Actually I feel very sad and I'm afraid I'm breaking down because I have no one no one by my side ..
Anyway, I g2g now otherwise I'll be late to work
Have a good day

Enough

Have you ever feel you've had enough of pretending that everything is ok and fine ; while its not,,I reached this level where I feel I'm literally alone and nobody with me that really understands me !
Even the ones I thought my friends they disappointed me more than anyone else .. Today and the last couple of days I was and still shutting down everyone and all doors because I've had enough, I didn't leave my room at all unless to go to work or because mum is calling to see me , so I just spend couple of minutes with her and I don't even say a word then get back to my room. I can't even stand the light, I just sit in the dark listening to my thoughts ,, I'm getting crazy I know , I just need a break of everyone everyone, I've had enough disappointments and frustrations
Good night bloggers

I Need Good Luck

I’ve been working on some kinda project, and since last Sunday and I knew somehow how they are reacting towards it, they’ve been talking about the possibility of me to accomplish it , so far everything is going fine and in the right track, but I’m a bit worried regarding the final stage to close it and release the announcement …
I’m praying that everything goes well as it started well too..
Wish me luck

One of these days

I know it been a while since I blogged, sorry for being away due to my sickness , actually for the zillion time my physician asking me to see a shrink; and for the first time I'm convenced that I have too and I really need him/her to help me ,,I'm having one of these days where you feel down and not in talking mood to anyone, unfortunately even my best friend disappointed me . I'm the one who's looking for her and trying to keep in touch with her, but I'm not gonna do this anymore. I've taken the initatives more than the situation can take ; I'm not gonna give more excuses and more attention I think and believe I deserve to be a bit selfish and think of myself and only myself ,, I'm done with you ppl
Anyway, sorry for spoiling your mood whomever reading; its just one of these day! ,,
Good night bloggers

Fever, Fever , Fever , and FEVER

OMG I'm really very sick, you can't believe how weak and sick I feel, I've been trying to pull my legs just to reach the bathroom , my sickness doesn't give me pelanty of room to help myself aughh ,, I hate this , anyway I just knew that my workmate's granpa passed away and I really wanted to visit her but due to my sickness I don't believe I'm capable to do so, so I called her couple of times and she noticed that I can't even talk over the phone and I've got no voice @ all ,, so she asked me to just take rest and take care of my health ! I really respect that but in the same time I wish I was able to visit her , but because of the fever thingi which doesn't leave me for couple of hours without starting again I can't , the minimum effort I make the more sick I become ,,
I wish I get better soon and I hope my friend is holding on pretty well ,, thx bloggers
Good night all xoxo

Sick

For the zillion time I'm sick again ,, I've got kinda virus which made me really sick,,Right now I'm the waiting zone just wanna get there and take my meds and get into my bed ,, I'm having fever since last night :( poor me ...
Today is different, I'm not going to work + I'm sick + I'll spend the day with my mom :D that sound cool hehehehehe
Anyway gotta go they are calling my name ,, here I'm coming Dr.Hazeeeeeem
Bye bloggers xoxo

Leave Right Now.......

I'm here,,just like I said
though its breaking every rule I've ever made
my racing heart,,is just the same
why make it strong to break it once again?
& I'd love to say I do,,give everything to you
but I can never now be true ,,so I say

I think I'd better leave right now,, before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now, feeling weaker and weaker
somebody better show me how, before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now...

I'm here,,so please explain
why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
but if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the lows

Now I tremble in your arms
what could be the harm
to feel my spirit calm,,so I say
I think I'd better leave right now ....

I wouldn't know how to say,,how good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back,,now you say your right on track
but you may never know why, once bitten twice is shy
if I'm proud perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again ...

I think I'd better leave right now...



by : will young

Missing You ...

I miss Missing You ,,,
sometimes I'm just missing , missing you ,,,
to everyone I miss ,,I do really miss you ,,
Daddy ,,I miss you soo much though I can't do anything ; I just can't help it
to my dear friends I do miss you sooo much , more than you can imagine ,,
Dear Sozo, thanks for being my best friend and soulmate too,, I miss you
regardless how I feel , Life goes on, and I have to move on too,,
believe it or not ; I do miss you

have a lovely day bloggers, be by your friends & lovers side all the time
B'bye ;)

Notice!!!

Haven't you ever notice that I only write when I'm very upset or depressed! ,, before I start writing this blog,I went through all my previous entries ; and guess what LOL I was very very sad in each one, and really frustrated and depressed. A common thing is " whenever I'm depressed or sad, I can't sleep at all" . No wonder from where the puffy eyes hahaha.. Anyway, I'm in my bed, I got back early today to spend most of my time with mummy because she's alone and now I feel really sleepy, so I'll have a nap
Catch You later
B'bye bloggers ;)

Busy!

I'm getting myself involved in everything to be busy all the time, so, as a start I'm reading Love ,Rosie Novel for the 3rd time LOL,, I love it and I can't resist it , doing the grocery, searching for the best plasma screen to get,, umm what else?? let'me think ,,,,
yeah, sitting my nephew , and in personal level , swimming, I got back to the GYM, watching tons of cartoons just to cheer myself up ,,and chatting with my friends when I feel I'm in chatting mood,,Hopefully I'll overcome this stage with the minimum number of damages.
wish me Luck ,,
B'bye bloggers

Soooo MEAN ...

Regardless how sad I feel, I'm acting mean lately with everyone,,kicking ppl from my life, I've had enough ,,I need to take care of my mom nothing more than that, right now she's the most important person in my life,, she's the only one who tried hard to comfort me though I didn't even give her a tiny chance to notice how sad I am ...
I had one friend, whom I thought I can share everything with after my best friend Sozo, But this who was my friend; disappointed me the most ; more than anyone else...
I thought being a best friend means " we are together no matter what, supporting and helping each other", it's pretty difficult when you keep supporting your friends and you don't receive this support back when you really need it , when you really need a shoulder to cry over, a friend who listens to you when you feel you can't express your feelings to anyone else..
I gave a number of chances and I believe I was more than stupid because I did, I shall learned from my history ..anyway, I won't regret it, it's just another lesson to not trust nor be by someone's side while they don't deserve it ,,
the bottom line is I AM ACTING MEAN AND I CAN'T FORGIVE ANYONE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T WANT TOO..
I don't want my madness to push my mom away from me ,,she's my beating heart at the moment ..May Allah bless her and gives her health and happiness which change her life
Amen
Good night bloggers

I need you in my life

Daddy ,, daddy ,, I miss you soo much
Daddy I need you in my life , I can't face today nor tomorrow without you ,,
I had a panick attack because I don't want them to move a single thing of your stuff ,, I don't wanna believe that you left me already ,, and I don't want or maybe I can't process the current situation ,, I just want you back to my life
I wanna be me again with you ,, daddy
I need you ,, I need you more than ever daddy
With love
Your daughter

….Then he said Goodbye

I’m experiencing the most difficult times ever in my life these days, have you ever woke up and discover that your life
Has been turned upside down ?...... Yes that’s me ,,
Just couple of days ago I had a father but not anymore ,,, I was under his wing no matter how hard he was at me , still I was
Safe under his wing ,,but not anymore ,,,
Somehow , I wish its only a dream and I’ll wake up in any moment ,, I missed many things and I’ll be missing more important things
That I’d love to have it with my dad presence ,,
I’ve been thinking this morning, how can I get married without my dad ? how can I have my first kid named after him and without him in my life?
How can I face life, people and myself without my dad in my life??
Dad I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you and I’m really sorry for each time you directed me to do something and I got mad ,, I’m really sorry
That I wasn’t thankful enough for you to have me in this life,,I’m very sorry I did lots of things I’m sure they wouldn’t satisfy you ,,
I’m really sorry for this guilt feeling, loneliness that increases every day, my sadness would cover the whole world if I released it ,,
Dad,, I don’t know how to live without you ,,how to be strong again ,,how to move forward without you next to me
I promise to accomplish all your dreams that you had to me , and the faith you had on me ,,I’ll keep it and make sure to never disappoint you
I wish you left while you are proud of me ,,,dad
Dad,,a word I’ll miss it the rest of my life,,dad I’m broken without you
With love
Your daughter